THE FAIRER SEX

Short Stories on Male Privilege

No. 7

Kindergarten Korrections

'We've begun to raise our daughters more like sons . . .

but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.'

- Gloria Steinem

I. Story Time

Children . . . pay attention, please. Put away your things now; we are going to tell our nice story so come over here and make a circle. Yes, sit in a circle on the floor, cross your legs like good children and we'll tell the story together.

Oh, Lavinia. This is not the doll corner; there is no doll corner. All toys must play together, just like boys and girls must play together.

Why?

Because I say so. Because boys and girls are the same.

Let's have nice straight backs, shall we? George, straight back, please. That's better.

Edgar, stop shoving. Why do boys always shove? Boys should not shove. Edgar, you never see girls shoving do you.

Neville, stop being a train. Girls never try to be trains, do they. You cannot be a space rocket, either. Come and help us tell our nice story, Neville.

Johnny, why don't you come out from under the table and help us tell our nice story. All right, stay there then, but you are not to make noises. No, you are not in a machine-gun nest, you are under a table. You must not machine-gun anyone. Look, you are upsetting the girls. Stop making that rat-tat-tat noise, I don't want to have to tell you again.

Come along everybody and join in the fun.

George, don't do that.

What story shall we have? No, not 'Snow White and the Seven', erm . . . No, I don't think so. How about 'The Duckling Who was Badly Judged because of His or Her Looks' ?

Alison wants a story about a lovely little pony. Don't pull your face like that Edgar, it may stay that way.

I know, we're going to tell a nice little story about a garage mechanic.

Does anyone know what a garage mechanic does?

No, Hazel, a mechanic is not at all like a princess in a pink dress. Or a blue dress.

She mends motor cars.

Now what shall we call the mechanic?

No, Rachel, we can't call her flopsy bunny rabbit.

Princess Leia is a pretty name, Lavinia, but mechanics aren't princesses. Girls are not princesses, either. Unless boys are princesses as well, of course. 

Whizzle Wuzzle is a very silly name, Timmy. It's not as funny as all that. Timmy, stop rolling around.

Well, we'll call her Garage Girl. That's such a pretty name, isn't it.

Yes, Geoffrey, boys can be mechanics, but girls can also be mechanics. And girls make better mechanics than boys. 

Do any of the girls want to be mechanics and mend cars? Boys put your hands down, I didn't ask the boys. Hazel, do you want to be a mechanic? You just want to be a mummy? What funny ideas little children have! You can be a mummy mechanic, you know. Oh, dear. Oh, don’t cry, Hazel, when you grow up, no one will make you become a mechanic. Probably.

Now let me see. What is the mechanic wearing? Does anyone know what a mechanic wears? Yes, Geoffrey, overalls.

George, don't do that.

No, Hazel, not pink overalls. Pink clothes are not just for girls, you know. Boys can wear pink clothes. Boys can wear pink clothes if they want to. And boys can wear dresses if they want to. They don't have to wear dresses, of course. Well, not yet, anyway.

Now then, were does Garage Girl live? No, not in a tree. No, not in a house in the woods where there are wolves. No, not in a magic fairy-tale castle with a giant and a wicked witch. Garage Girl lives in a garage. No, Hazel, not in a pink garage. Garage Girl lives in a garage, with mummy brick-layer and daddy personal-care-worker.

Then one day a car breaks down, and Garage Girl goes to fix it. It is a red car. A beautiful, shiny red car. With shiny metal wheels. No, Timmy, it is not a fire engine. Timmy, don't make that fire-engine noise.

What does Garage Girl take with her? A magic wand, no. A box of spanners. Yes, that is what Garage Girls need to fix a car. A box of spanners.

And the boy in the car, he is quite helpless. What is he called? No, Peggy, he's not Prince Charming. He's called Helpless Harry. He's quite helpless - he's a boy and doesn't know how to fix his car! In fact he doesn't know anything at all, but, just like a boy, he tells Garage Girl how to fix the car. He thinks he knows more than Garage Girl, just because he's a boy and she's a girl! Helpless Harry thinks that because Garage Girl is a girl, then she doesn't know about cars. He's got a big head. He's a little boy with a big head. A big boy-head.

And then Garage Mechanic fixes the car, and Helpless Harry zooms away. Zoom, zoom, zoom. And all thanks to Garage Girl. Because Helpless Harry was quite helpless.

No, Edgar, it's not a racing car.

Johnny, I see that you're coming out from under the table at last. Remember, no machine-gunning. Yes, vroom, vroom, vroom, that's the sound cars make. Johnny, that's enough vrooming for now. Boys, you must all stop vrooming now. No more vrooming. Edgar, Johnny, Geoffrey, come back here at once. You cannot go vrooming round the classroom. You know that running is not allowed.

You never see the girls running. It's always boys who run. Why can't boys be more like girls!

II. Painting and Drawing

Children . . . pay attention, please. You may sit at the tables, and paint and draw whatever you like.

Let's put on our thinking caps, shall we?

It's so lovely to see you all so occupied, all so occupied in your own interests.

Who is making that silly noise? Is it you, Neville? Yes, it is. Stop making that awful noise, Neville. Yes, I know you're drawing a volcano, but you don't need to make that exploding noise. Paint and draw quietly, like the girls do. See Alison and Hazel? They're quietly painting, just like you should do. They're not making a silly noise, are they? Why do boys have to make silly noises?

I can still hear you, Neville.

Neville!

That's better.

George, don't do that.

It's so interesting the way children see things.

Caroline is painting a picture of a house. It's a lovely house, Caroline, but girls always make pictures of houses, don't they? Is this your mummy? Oh. It's a princess in a pink dress. Again. Why has she no shoes? She should have glass slippers, if you buy into that all that sexist rubbish. Ah, so she's worn out her shoes by dancing all night, has she? I know I said you could choose what to paint, Caroline, but sometimes girls should paint space rockets and trains and cars, just as boys should paint fairy-tale castles. I'll take that, thank you. Now draw a space rocket instead, that's a good girl.

Ah, here is Edgar painting a picture of a fairy-tale palace, with a prince and princess! I see Edgar has been listening. It's lovely to see a boy painting a palace with a prince and princess. I see the prince is wearing a pink dress as well. Excellent, Edgar! Fairy-tale castles are what girls usually paint.

Neville, what's wrong with your wrist? Don't hold your hand up like that, it's very naughty.

Johnny, don't blow at Edgar like that. Why not? Because it's not nice, that's why. Don't stick your tongue out, either. We don't want to see your tongue, Johnny, thank you. Edgar can paint a fairy-tale palace if he likes, without other boys sticking their tongues out.

Use your hanky, please, David. You never see girls doing that, do you. Wipe. Again. That's better.

David, why are you painting a tank with a big gun? I said that you're not allowed to paint soldiers. Boys always paint tanks and guns and soldiers. I'll take that, thank you. Start again. Paint a lovely puppy or a pretty princess or something.

George - come away from the door. You can't? Then you shouldn't have put your finger in the keyhole. Let me look. You've been very lucky. Why did you put your finger in the keyhole? To see if it would go in? George, you've been very silly. Go back to your work, please.

Geoffrey, don't pull Jackie's hair. She didn't ask you to pull it, did she. We won't have any more pulling hair. Why do boys have to pull a girl's hair?

Rachel, you've painted a princess in a pink dress again. I asked you not to do that, didn't I. Princesses don't have to wear pink dresses. Princesses can wear blue dresses as well. They can also wear trousers. And boys can wear dresses if they want. I'll take that, thank you. Now paint a wind turbine.

Neville, don't poke and shove Andrew like that. It's always the same, isn't it. A nice, quiet drawing and painting class, but after a few minutes the boys get tired and start pushing and shoving and poking and prodding.

Janet, who is standing outside your picture of house? A mummy with her baby? Why do girls paint mummies and babies? What ideas girls have! You should paint a woman who is a successful carpenter or a plumber or a scientist or an architect. I'll take that, thank you. Now paint a woman who's doing a very important job. Like a feminist professor of gender studies.

Neville and David, rulers are for drawing with - they are not swords! Why do boys have to turn everything into weapons? If it's not guns, it's swords. We have to spend so much time teaching boys not to be boys!

III. Exercise Class

Children . . . pay attention, please. We will now play some dodgeball. Two teams, please, Team A and Team B. Quick, quick! Same number of girls and boys in each team, please. That's right.

Wait, Timothy! Come back here. You must wait until I blow the whistle. You know that.

George, don't do that.

Peep!

Away you go, yes, that's it.

Oh, dear, Janet - you're out. Bad luck.

Oh, Peggy, you're out as well.

Oh, why oh why do the boys have to throw the ball so hard? Boys, when you throw the ball at the girls, you must not throw it so hard. That will make things equal.

Rachel, you're out.

Lavinia, you're out.

George, you're out. Yes you are, I saw. You did not catch the ball, you dropped it. Out you go. There are now four girls out, it's high time a boy was out as well. Let's play fair.

George, you have to do what the referee says. Why do boys always argue?

Peep!

Stop the game, now! Stop!

Peep! Peep! Peep!

We will stop the game now. I warned all the boys, didn’t I. No grabbing, no pushing, no punching, no wrestling.

Why were the girls so distracted? You were talking and looking out of the window. I know you can play better than that.

What's that, Hazel? I see. You want two games, one for girls and one for boys.

Why do all boys and girls cheer, and raise their hands? Saints preserve us! Where do you get these silly ideas? No, boys and girls must not have separate games. Boys and girls must play together. Everything must be equal. The boys are just too competitive; it makes the game unequal and unfair.

Instead we'll do some moving to music. First some clapping to the rhythm. Come on, children, clap. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens.

Good, Peggy and Lavinia, very good. Cross-clapping on hands and knees, that is excellent. Clapping with each other's hands, very good.

Now the boys do it. No, Sidney, it is not girl clapping. There is nothing girly about it. Boys should do it as well.

Look at Edgar, he's cross-clapping with his own knees, very good.

Neville, I told you not to make that gesture with your hand, didn't I?

Sidney and George, no pushing and shoving. I saw you! Watch the girls, and clap like them.

Now let's begin moving around.

I see that every girl is already on her toes, all girls skipping around in twos and threes like little jack rabbits. Very good.

Come on, boys, start skipping. Don't pull that face, Neville. Skipping is not for girls, it is for boys as well. Come on, skip, skip. Pretend you're on a fairground horse, hold your hands up.

Neville, I told you not to make that gesture with your hand, didn't I? Where did you learn it? From your daddy? Why am I not surprised?

Lost my partner, what'll I do? Lost my partner, What'll I do? Lost my partner, what'll I do? Skip to my Lou, my darlin' Very good. Gallopy-gallopy.

Whoops! Whoops again! The boys can't skip as well as the girls. Girls, look at how silly the boys are, they can't skip! They think they can, but they can't. Boys are like that.

Edgar, I said skip, not hop. Stop it now boys, don't copy Edgar. No hopping.

Now some somersaults. I said somersaults, Neville and Kelly, not running. You don't have to run between somersaults. Why do boys always want to run? No running. The girls don't run, do they.

Why do boys always bump into each other? You can see where you're going. I think you do it on purpose. Boys who bump into each other will have to wait by the wall and watch. The girls never bump into each other, do they.

Girls, look how silly the boys are - they've all tumbled together on the mat. The girls behave themselves. They're sensible, unlike the boys. If only the boys could play like the girls.

Stop that wrestling. No wrestling allowed!

Oh, Andrew, why are you crying? Lavinia hit you? Why did Lavinia hit you? We're not in make-believe-land now. No, Lavinia will not be punished. You did something to her, didn't you. No? I bet you did. Girls don't hit boys without reason. Stop that crying, you should be a brave boy, not a silly cry baby.

Lavinia, why did you hit Andrew? Because girls can hit boys, but boys must never hit girls? I see. Well, girls will be girls.

IV. Play Time

Children . . . pay attention, please. You may now play with the classroom toys. You may choose which toys to play with.

Edgar and Johnny, come back here! You were trying to grab the building blocks, weren't you? Why do boys always do that. You should give the girls a chance with the building blocks.

George, don't do that.

Boys and girls can choose the toys they want to play with. But children sometimes choose the wrong toys. That's when grownups must decide for them.

Lavinia, why aren't you playing with the toy trucks? You don't like them? How do you know, if you've never tried? Look how interesting they are! Look, this one's got a lovely flashing light on it. The driver could be a woman taking important groceries to the supermarket, or emergency medical supplies for women doctors.

Janet, you look so sad, sitting there. Don't you want the fire engine? Well, here's a bulldozer instead. How exciting - you get to play with a bulldozer! Don't worry, I won't let the boys keep the bulldozer and the fire engine and the police car. Girls should get a chance to play with them.

Who's making that silly vrooming sound again? That is not the right way to play with dolls, Sidney. Don't be so silly. A doll is not a car. A doll is a doll. You hold a doll like this. Look, here are some lovely dresses that your dolly would like to try on. And here's a little comb for your doll's hair.

Neville, I won't warn you again about that naughty gesture. You'll be sent home. Boys can play with dolls if they want. And when I tell them to.

There's a name for naughty boys. They're called Donald Trumps. Neville is a Donald Trump, children. Good boys are called Barack Obamas.

George, Neville, Kenny, Timmy, what on earth are you doing? You cannot make a horrible snake by laying out all the dolls like that. That is not the right way to play with dolls. No, you cannot make a train either. Play with the dolls properly.

George, no, you cannot have the building blocks - the girls are playing with them. The boys build something every day. The girls hardly ever do. Let's give the girls a chance.

The building blocks are so interesting, aren't they. You can build garages, harbours, train tracks and airports. How exciting!

Mary-Anne, when you grow up you could be a famous engineer or architect, how about that? What are you building? A space ship? Oh. A doll's house. Why do girls always build doll's houses and fairy-tale castles? Well, let's just take these blocks apart and build something much more suitable. How about geodesic dome?

Hazel, Lavinia, Peggy, come out of the cubby room. As I've said many times, there isn't a doll corner. You cannot make a doll corner where only the girls play. Yes, the three of you may well be Snow White, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, but there is still no doll corner. Girls and boys should all play together. Here is the lovely train set. You can all play with the train set just as well.

Janet, why do you have a dolly? Where is the lovely red fire engine I left you with? Edgar has it! You have swapped toys again, haven't you. Both of you are very, very naughty.

Sidney and Kenny, what are you doing with those dolls' combs? You're using them as tiny guns, aren't you. They're not guns? I know they're not guns, but you're using them like guns. Yes you are, you're pointing them and making that gun-sound. What have I told you? Boys should not play with guns. Yes, I know they're not real guns, but you should not pretend either. You are being very naughty. You're just like little Donald Trumps.

Girls, girls, girls, why are you sitting in the corner again? Come and sit here. There's no doll's corner. The boys don't make a doll corner when they're playing with dolls, do they?

Boys, stop throwing the dolls like that! Dolls should not be thrown around like that. They're grenades? That is very silly, dolls are not grenades. That is not the right way to play with dolls. Why? Because I say so! Why can't you play with dolls like the girls do?

Sidney and Kenny, come back here. Stop running around. Stop laughing - it is not funny. I said no messing around, didn't I. You were using pretend guns again, weren't you. Yes, I saw you. You were pointing your fingers at each other and making that dreadful gun sound. Why do boys turn everything into guns? They even use their fingers!

Andrew, why are you on the floor? Get up. Neville shot you? Boys are not allowed to play like that.

No, the boys cannot pretend to be cops and robbers. Yes, I know the girls play at Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, but that's different.

Why do boys play in such large groups? Look at the girls, they only play in twos and threes.

Andrew, why are you searching in the junk basket? The toilet rolls are sticks of dynamite? Boys, stop throwing the toilet rolls at the girls. Let's have none of those silly exploding noises! Give the girls their dolly's jewellery back! You're not cops and robbers, you're just spoiling everything!

Aaagh! Toxic masculinity! I'm so triggered!

Bibliography

·        Joyce Grenfell (1977). Nursery school sketches (In 'George, Don't Do That'), Hodder and Stoughton.

·        Vivian Gussin Paley (1989) Boys and girls - superheroes in the doll corner, University of Chicago Press.

·        Christina Hoff Summers (2013). The war against boys - how misguided policies are harming our young men, Simon and Shuster. 

(c) Cufwulf

Cufwulf@aol.com