THE FAIRER SEX

Short Stories on Male Privilege

No. 15

Cherchez la Femme

'To end the pervasive culture of sexual harassment,

it can no longer be the norm that men look the other way.

It only ends when men actively participate in ending it'.

- J. B. Pritzker

At 4am my front door was bashed in by the hate-crime unit of Nottinghamshire Constabulary, anti-misogynist division. I was arrested under suspicion of downloading misogynistic filth, contrary to the Misogynistic Filth Act, 2035.

In the custody suite I observed the demographic of the hate-crime unit, or rather the dearth of diversity.

'Where are all the male police officers?' I asked.

'This is the anti-misogynist division' came the answer. 'We have a few male police officers, provided of course they're avowed feminists. Gender parity is central to our work'.

'Is there an anti-misandrist division?' I asked.

'We don't answer stupid questions'.

In the interview room I faced two police officers: a detective constable and a detective sergeant.

It was difficult to look either of them in the face; but not because I was ashamed: rather, their hair-styles were so distracting. Angry orange spikes on the sergeant's head jutted fiery accusations to the sky. The constable wore a sort of inverted, blue-streaked pudding bowl; her temples were shaven. Nose-rings completed the uniform à la mode.

We've made so much progress since Dixon of Dock Green.

'Were you aware of the exact nature of these filthy misogynistic films?' asked Spikey Orange. 'Before you downloaded them, that is'.

'I knew what was in them, yes'.

'Were you aware that these filthy misogynistic films are banned?' asked Streaky Blue.

'So much is banned in the name of tolerance these days. I can't possibly keep up'.

'But you admit that you downloaded these filthy misogynistic films?' asked Streaky Blue.

'Yes'.

She smiled at her colleague.

'Is this an accurate list of the filthy misogynistic films that you downloaded?' asked Spikey Orange.

She flung it on the table.

'Filth', muttered Streaky Blue. 'Misogynistic filth. Disgusting'.

Their faces assumed the expression of screwed-up-paper.

I turned the list towards me and scrutinised it.

'The Fred Astaire Collection', I said. 'Fred Astaire made thirty-one film musicals between 1933 and 1967. They're a major part of twentieth-century popular culture, much loved'.

'That was then', said Streaky Blue. 'Nowadays we know better.'

'I see that they're all on this list', I said. 'A box-set, as they used to say.'

'A box-set of filth' said Spikey Orange.

'Misogynistic filth', Streaky Blue and I said in unison.

'Not all of them are illegal', said Spikey Orange. 'Not yet'.

'We're working on it', said Streaky Blue.

'I don't doubt it', I said.

'Black-and-white films are particularly suspicious', said Spikey Orange.

'They usually are', I said.

'The five proscribed films with their dates and studios are as follows', said Spikey Orange, opening a file. 'The Belle of New York, 1952, MGM. The Sky's the Limit, RKO, 1943. Shall We Dance, RKO, 1937. Swing Time, RKO, 1936'.

She sat back and folded her arms.

'You forgot Top Hat, RKO, 1935', I said.

Spikey Orange jolted, then placed her forefinger in the file.

'Erm, yes. Top Hat', she said.

'Do you understand why downloading, owning, sharing or viewing any of these films is a criminal offence?' asked Streaky Blue.

'Because they're misogynistic filth', I said.

'Flippancy is not a good tactic' she said, banging her fist on the table. 'I will make it easy for you. Take The Belle of New York. The plot is as follows. A man- '

'Fred Astaire.'

'Yes, Fred Astaire. Fred Astaire follows a woman - '

'Vera-Ellen'.

'Yes, Fred Astaire follows Vera-Ellen through a crowd. He asks her for a copy of the religious magazine she's selling, even though he already has a copy. He follows her again, and asks her for a third copy. He claims he's an awful sinner who needs saving, but it's only so that he can talk to her. She walks off; he tries to follow her, but other men intervene by pushing him to the ground. He fakes injury, so that he can appeal to her sympathy and talk to her again. She tells him she doesn't like men who show off, but he shows off anyway. He says he'd like to get to know her, but she refuses. He asks her to dance, but she refuses'.

'Yes, but he persuades her eventually' I said.

'Only after persistent pestering!' said Streaky Blue. 'Then there's The Sky's the Limit. A man-

'Fred Astaire'.

'Yes, Fred Astaire. Fred Astaire sees a woman- '

'Joan Leslie'.

Yes, Joan Leslie. Fred Astaire sees Joan Leslie enter a nightclub. He follows her in there. He walks up and down looking at her, while she talks to another man. He takes the empty seat next to her. He interrupts the conversation, but she ignores him. He interrupts again, and she's clearly annoyed. She tries to take a photograph, but he jumps in front of the camera. She asks him to get out of the way, which he does. But when she tries to take another photograph, he sneaks into the scene. She is clearly very annoyed at him. She leaves and goes to a late-night café, but he follows her there. She asks him to leave her alone, so he pretends that she's hurt his feelings. She says he's been following her. He admits it, and claims he can't help himself. She leaves; he follows her along the street. He stoops to pick up a penny, then takes her hand to put it in her grasp. She tries to hand the penny back by saying, 'Maybe you'll need it'. And he replies, "No, I could never be luckier than I am tonight". '

'At which she gives him a lovely smile', I said.

'Only after persistent pestering!' said Streaky Blue.

'Then there's Shall We Dance. In this, a man-'

'Fred Astaire'.

'Yes, Fred Astaire. Fred Astaire sees a photograph- '

'Of Ginger Rogers'.

'Yes, of Ginger Rogers. Fred Astaire sees a photograph of Ginger Rogers. He thinks she's irresistible; he discovers where she lives and rings the doorbell. He overhears her telling the maid not let him in, but he barges in anyway. When he finally does leave, Ginger Rogers describes him as a lunatic who should be locked up. She's about to leave New York on an ocean liner, but Fred Astaire finds out and buys a ticket for himself. He approaches her on deck, but she's sarcastic and walks away. When she's walking her dog up and down the deck, Fred Astaire bribes someone to get a dog himself, so that he can just follow her up and down the deck. He tries to talk to her, but she's sarcastic and walks off again. On another day he pulls the same stunt, but her own dog is disloyal and it runs off to join him.

'At which she smiles, and they become friends'.

'Only after persistent pestering!' said Streaky Blue.

'A certain pattern emerges in these films, does it not?' shouted Spikey Orange. 'Do you now understand why owning, viewing, sharing or downloading this disgusting misogynistic filth is a criminal offence?'

I shrugged like a Frenchman.

'Well obviously', said Streaky Blue, 'they normalise, trivialise and promote sexual harassment'.

'Sexual harassment?' I asked, donning my incredulous face. 'What do you mean by sexual harassment?'

'Unwanted or unwelcome comments, gestures or any other behaviour with sexual overtones, or is perceived to have sexual overtones', said Spikey Orange. 'The man's intent is irrelevant - what matters is how he makes the woman feel. If a woman receives a compliment from a famous film star, for example, then it is not sexual harassment - if she doesn't see it that way. But if she receives exactly the same compliment from an ugly man who flips burgers on minimum wage for a living, then that is sexual harassment - if she sees it that way'.

I thought about this explanation for a moment, while Spikey Orange and Streaky Blue looked at me.

'For example, when a man says "that's a pretty dress" ', ventured Streaky Blue. 'You can't possibly know how bad it makes women feel, when they receive insulting compliments like that from men'.

'But how can you possibly know that a sexual advance is unwanted unless you make it?' I asked. 'Men aren't mind readers'.

'All harassers make that excuse', said Spikey Orange. 'Employers now lay down workplace regulations; you should take your cue from those. It is necessary, for women's well-being, to remove all spontaneity, mystery and unpredictability from male-female relations - that much we've learned from feminism. You ask a potential inamorata to join you for a cup of coffee or similar beverage - at a purely nominal cost, of course. If she refuses, then you must never ask her again, not under any circumstances, because that's sexual harassment, pure and simple. And you must never compliment a woman on her appearance - that's an absolute no-no - because that's treating her as a sex object, which is just not acceptable nowadays. I'd never accept compliments of any sort from a man - I'd chew his ear off instead'.

'How many male ears have you masticated lately?'

'That is beside the point'.

'I thought it might be. But I think women sometimes like to be, well, coaxed a little, don't you?'

Gasps of exasperation filled the room.

'Coaxing is sexual harassment! Coaxing used to be the harasser's get-out-of-jail-free card. It's our job to eliminate behaviour that women find intimidating and which creates a hostile environment. In short, we must sterilise the sexual landscape. Fortunately women can now get a man sacked fairly easily for "coaxing", as you like to put it'.

'Why fortunately?'

'Because men have all the power', said Streaky Blue.

'There are disreputable men, I don't deny it', I said. 'They exploit their power; they even enjoy the unease they cause. But there's a trade-off. The law doesn't differentiate between indisputable abuse and mere expressions of sexual interest. You're criminalising respectable men'.

'Then that's a price we feminists will just have to pay', said Streaky Blue.

'Men approach and persist; women attract and resist', I said. 'These roles are instinctive: a woman's reproductive life is far more restricted; a wrong choice of partner has far worse repercussions for her. For this reason she tests a man; she ascertains his commitment; how much he wants her; his willingness to overcome barriers to get her; his perseverance. It's also why she finds male confidence attractive. Women even throw obstacles in men's way, just to see how determined they are. She's babysitting her kid brother; she's washing her hair; she's got an evening class; she's already got a date. Finally, an evening becomes available. That way, she weeds out casual suitors. A woman doesn't want to feel like she's just a whim, an impulse, a vagary, a passing fancy. She wants to feel special, not like she's just one of a long line of meaningless liaisons. The operative word is wooed.'

The two of them looked at each other.

'Wooed?' asked Spikey Orange. 'That doesn't sound like a proper word'.

'Well, it is a proper word. It was desperately clinging to life when I was a child, but it's not been seen for many years. Perhaps feminists over-hunted it. Maybe we should speak of courtship; but that word's rather moribund as well'.

'It's not courtship, it's harassment!' shouted Spikey Orange. 'The more difficult it is for men to act out their predatory sexuality, the safer women will be'.

'Sexual harassment legislation is sexist', I said. 'It criminalises only the man's role in the sexual dance. It also harms women - they are deprived of the chance to test a man's ardour; to look him over. Female coyness is very common in the animal kingdom; females want a long courtship, and for good reason: it proves that the male is committed. Prognosticating a man's fidelity and faithfulness is instinctive: it takes many years of commitment to raise a child; women don't want to be deserted. Are you going to overturn female instinct? A man asks a woman out; she declines; he promptly chucks in the towel. A fine romance!'

'You're not a woman', said Streaky Blue. You can't possibly feel women's pain!'

'No, but I can talk to women and find out. As it happens, I do know what it's like because my wife's experienced sexual harassment at work. Before we were married, that is'. The two of them leaned forward. 'A colleague asked her out, but she declined. After a couple of weeks he asked again, but she refused again. Well, he kept inventing excuses to come by her desk. She wasn't interested, but he remained confident and assertive. The third time he asked she relented, and they went out together. After a few more dates he asked her to marry him, but she refused. Six months later he asked again, but she again refused. He even asked her a third time. He was certainly persistent'.

'What did she do?' asked Spikey Orange. 'Did she report him for sexual harassment?'

'No, she married me'.

'Married you?' said two voices in dumfounded unison.

'Yes, she married her harasser. You see, she realised that if I was prepared to risk the sack, then my sincerity was indisputable, just as my commitment was unassailable. Cherchez la femme - plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose'.

Endnotes

1. Dawkins R. (1989). The Selfish Gene. Chapter 9, 'Battle of the Sexes'.

2. Farrell W. (1993). The Myth of Male Power - Why Men Are the Disposable Sex. Chapter 13, 'The Politics of Sex'.

3. Nathanson P., Young K.K. (2006). Legalizing Misandry - From Public Shame to Systemic Discrimination Against Men. Chapter 3, 'Workers v. Harassers: The Hill-Thomas Debate'; Chapter 8, Separatists v. Integrationists: The Case of Sexual Harassment'.

(c) Cufwulf Montagu

Cufwulf@aol.com