THE FAIRER SEX
Short Stories on Male Privilege
No. 14
Never Had it So Good
'Most men fear getting laughed at
or humiliated by a romantic prospect
while most women fear rape and death'.
- Gavin de Becker
In 1957 the standard of living had not only recovered, but was now exceeding anything seen before the war. For this reason, Harold MacMillan, the Prime Minister, gave a speech in which he said that we'd 'never had it so good'. This quote remained in the public consciousness for decades after. I know this, because recently I overheard a man telling a joke about a woman who went to the police to say that she'd been raped. The constable asked for a description of the rapist. The woman said, 'He was a Conservative'. 'How can you possibly know that?' asked the constable. 'Because I've never had it so good', she replied.
This joke taps into several rape myths (that women 'ask for it', or they 'lead a man on'); myths that nowadays seem antediluvian. An internet search under the four words 'man', 'sacked', 'rape' and 'joke', reveals a litany of public shamings, denunciations, cancellations and secular excommunications; for rape jokes, you see, have been banished from respectable society. Be careful what you post on social media. Insofar as such jokes trivialise a wicked crime, they compromise the seriousness with which it is tackled.
I work for a charity that helps anyone in distress and struggling to cope with life. I'm not a rape councillor per se, but I do encounter victims ('survivors') now and then, along with possible suicides. We have a helpline, and also operate a drop-in service for face-to-face conversations.
We are all given rigorous training to ensure that we remain non-judgemental and empathetic. We can seldom provide solutions; but, by listening and asking careful questions, we help people figure out their own way forward.
I would like to tell you about one such 'survivor' who came to us last week. The testimonial I give below has been anonymised; I have also changed or omitted a few inconsequential details that might allow identification.
* * * *
"That evening started like any other; but it's come close to destroying me, and indeed it may still do so. In my own mind, I must have played over these events thousands of times, possibly tens of thousands. Sometimes my mind just won't shut up. It only shuts up when I drink myself into a stupor.
"I suppose the build-up to the rape began about six months earlier. I got to know this man via my workplace. He was a divorced father with three teenage children. We were both interested in literature and art, and so had plenty to talk about. He was well-educated and well-spoken. He had travelled extensively. He was affable, with a good sense of humour. He was great fun to socialise with. Never on any occasion did I feel uncomfortable in his company, or suspect his motives.
"We went to the theatre together a few times, and had dinner together. One problem though was that, since he lived an hour's train journey out of London, he had to be sure not to miss the last train. But since I felt fine with him, one weekend I made up the bed in my spare room. I had no problem at all about inviting him into my home. I considered him a good friend, and did not give it a second thought. I had no idea that my hospitality was playing right into his hands.
"That evening after the theatre we took the Underground to my home. I poured out a nightcap, and we settled down to talk. I am an artist, and I showed him some of my work. I work in charcoal and pastels, mainly. He admired my work. He was very articulate, and made many insightful comments. We spoke about the philosophy of aesthetics.
"I began to feel unwell, but I didn't say so initially as I didn't want to spoil a very pleasant evening. But the ill-feeling continued growing, and I became alarmed. Finally I had to say something. And so I said to him that I must now go to A&E. At this, he looked me straight in the eye very calmly, and said: 'Relax, don't fight it'. I then began to panic. I now realised what he'd done to my drink while I was in the lavatory. Initially I thought he was planning to rob me - I thought of my wallet and my expensive wristwatch that were sitting on the hall table. But this stupid idea was put an end to, when he said 'You'll enjoy it'.
"I stood up, and tried to get to the front door to call for help. But it was like I was profoundly drunk. I staggered a few paces and fell against the furniture, but I couldn't regain my balance and I fell down, knocking a vase onto the floor which smashed. I hovered between consciousness and unconsciousness, like a speedboat bumping along the water. I would force my eyes half open, but my eyelids were so heavy and they kept closing. I was dragged by the ankles. There was a jingling as he unbuckled his belt. I knew I was face down on the hall floor, naked from the waist down. But I couldn't move. He was on top of me. I could hear him grunting. I felt nauseous. I vomited. My head went up and down against the carpet. A fly landed, and watched me. Eventually the thrusting stopped. I heard a re-buckling, then a pair of feet walked along the hall. The feet stopped for a moment near my face. The front door then opened and closed. I lost consciousness. I have no idea how long I was out.
"When I awoke, the pain was excruciating. There was blood. The fly had gone. I sat there for hours in a semi-naked state. Time had stopped. I sat there, exactly where he'd left me. I could not fully comprehend what had happened. I could not take in how someone I'd got to know so well, whose company I so much enjoyed, who I considered a good friend, and with whom I'd spent so much time, could possibly carry out such a vile act. How could my perceptions of someone be so wide of the mark? How could I ever again trust anyone?
"I felt for a long, long time, that I'm the only man in the world who's been raped. The rational part of me said that I was not, but I still felt like I was. The shame I feel has been a huge burden. I blame myself, for putting myself at risk. I blame myself, for being so stupidly trusting. It is so hard to accept that the entire six months before the rape, was for him very probably no more than just a grooming period. I'd never thought that my lifestyle might put me at risk. Well, it happened and now I must find some way of living with it.
"I have never reported the rape. Straight away I would have my sexuality questioned. But I do not think that that is relevant. 'Were you behaving in a way that might be construed a gay?' What's that got to do with it! Straight away he'd claim that it was consensual. I'm not prepared to face that. I was married for seventeen years, and I have two sons. I will not have it represented to me, that my marriage all along was a sham. Being a man, everybody would expect me to have fought him off. Rape carries so much guilt and self-blame. I don't want the justice system to keep feeding this guilt and self-blame. I just want to forget it.
"Today I never leave a drink unguarded, whatever it is - water, even. I always finish it before visiting the lavatory. If a bottle is opened, it must be opened and poured in front of me. I never touch a drink of any sort, if I have not personally witnessed its journey to the table.
* * * *
I know of rape-counselling centres - some of which are funded by the public purse - that will not speak to men; others that will do so only under sufferance. This is clearly not equal treatment. The problem, is that such centres are staffed by devout feminists. I find it quite interesting that feminists are mostly silent about male rape victims. I believe I have the answer. To feminists, all men are sexual predators - one would expect them to shout about male victims. They cannot do so, however, because funding, research and media attention are a zero sum game. If male victims get more of these, then female victims will get less. This is why feminists say little about male victims, at least until their funding is at risk, at which point they claim that the problem is exaggerated.
As for equal treatment by the criminal justice system: does the law punish male rape and female rape similarly? I am unable to comment. The research does not appear to have been done. There is no shortage of research into female victims, but for some reason, male victims are of little interest.
The problem would be larger than police reports suggest, if male victims are silent more often than female ones. I believe this is the case. Men have a harder time acknowledging the truth of what happened to them. Coercive buggery, after all, eviscerates a man's sense of his masculinity.
There is a curious anomaly here; I only realised it when I returned home that day and switched on the television. I refer to male rape jokes in mass entertainment. This trope is so ubiquitous and so normalised, that it is accepted unquestioningly. It is 'go to' humour, and the easiest pathway to cheap laughs. In Hollywood particularly, any reference to prison would otherwise be considered incomplete: the phrase 'don't drop the soap' has even become trite. The following lines are all taken from genuine films and television shows; when delivered live, they are greeted with laughter and clapping. 'Look at it this way, you won't have to pay for dates'. 'Your ass will be busier than a test bench in a plunger factory'. 'He's five foot six inches and ten stone. Or as his cell mate put it, "just right" '. 'They'll turn your butthole into a parking garage'. 'He said he'd take a bullet for Donald Trump. Well now that he's looking at prison time, we'll see if he takes a dick'.
The aim of these jokes is to demean, humiliate or emasculate a man; to show that he is weak, unmanly, cowardly or effeminate. These comedians reflect society - but do they influence it? This is a mirror in a mirror. Comedians, it is also argued, raise awareness by pushing boundaries and questioning taboos. Mostly this is true; but male rape jokes are the opposite: comedians are punching down, not up. If comedians really did question taboos, then they would change tack, and ridicule hypocritical attitudes to rape jokes. Prison rape in particular is greeted with a smirk or a snigger: is this not an amusing extrajudicial punishment? 'If you didn't want to be raped, you shouldn't have broken the law. Serves you right'. It is difficult to discover any comparable degree of callousness toward women. This is male privilege at its most heartless.
Endnotes
1. The Empathy Gap (2019) by William Collins shows that of all rapes reported to the police (victims over age 16), 4-8% are in fact male-on-male (Figs. 19.5 and 19.6). (One would not know this, purely from the mass media). This is referenced to the Office for National Statistics, Crime in England and Wales, September 2018. (It is probable however that male-on-male rapes are far more underreported that male-on-female.) Collins also states that the conviction rate for male-on-male rape is 'especially low' (p.512). It would be nice to quantify this, and then compare it to same figure for male-on-female rape; but this is not straightforward. His data (from the Crime Prosecution Service and the Ministry of Justice) seem to suggest a lower conviction rate for male-on-male rape (Table 19.1, Figure 19.7); but I am not confident enough to say so unequivocally. Of course, these statistics do not include an unknown but probably large number of male rapes in the prison system.
2. Jonathan (male rape survivor) tells his story. Avon and Somerset Police. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEKWlA1UhvE&t=8s
3. Sexual Assault of Men Played for Laughs - Part 1 Male Perpetrators. Popular Culture Detective. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uc6QxD2_yQw
(c) Cufwulf
Cufwulf@aol.com
